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I am feeling that feeling I feel when I lose control again.
My stomach churns and I feel physically sick. The thought of offing myself feels peaceful, pleasant. You know what the psych industry calls it: suicidal ideation.
I’ve been pushing my body and mind past its threshold in the recent months. I am running on a deficit. I’m sitting on a seat in this crowded subway train listening to all the chatter around me and I want to bury my face in my lap and scream. I also want to cry. Except I can’t cry. I don’t remember the last time I cried.
I’m burning out, I can feel it. Blazing a hot trail the whole year and now I’m halting to a stop. But I want to go on; surely I am stronger than this?
I remember the 2 years before this one and feel disgusted with myself. I’m not really interested to go back there. During that time, I did nothing, created nothing, understood nothing, made nothing. Felt nothing.
I’m finding a hundred ways to blame myself — I must have fucked up somewhere? Not cared for myself better, wasn’t alert to possible triggers, ate badly, slept like shit, am too much of a failure. I talk about victim-blaming like I’ve risen from it but really I’ve internalized it all. I haven’t even spoken about my assault yet. I still don’t really know how.
Do you ever feel like there are no ways to be happy, only ways to be less unhappy? And all those ways require a lot of pain on the front end?
I’m losing control again. I’m on familiar terrain.
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supshawn liked this
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raisecain said:
Yes, happiness is this strange in-between that actualizes only to make you unhappy again. I think for me one of the things is realizing and working through the difference of pain versus suffering…
but yea, I feel you…
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raisecain liked this
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actuellement posted this
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